Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Pilgrims, rough draft, Nick

First of all, to know the pilgrims; you need to know who they were. When you here the word pilgrim, what do you think of? Would you think of people wearing black with golden buckle shoes, or perhaps people sharing thanksgiving with the Indians? Well, as popular as these are. (Why did you stop the sentence here? It's an incomplete sentence.)
(You started a new paragraph with the rest of the last paragraph.)

They are all incorrect, a pilgrim is, by definition “Someone who travels a great distance for religious reasons.” (Why so many comas?) (Why are you starting a sentence with and?) And now you are probably just dying inside waiting to ask me(comma should be used before a sentence in parenthesis.) “Why did they come here?” Well the answer you probably know all to well “Religious freedom.” Answer correct, sufficient no not at all sufficient. (This isn't a complete sentence. It makes no sense at all.)

A good way to answer this would be. (Why is there a period when it isn't even a complete sentence?) They were in England; prosecuted for a mere prayer. There (<-- spelled wrong) way to stop this senseless prosecution? Escape England; but, who would organize all of this?

William Bradford. William Bradford (Why is this name here twice? A name is not a sentence. After proper names I believe you are supposed to have a comma, right?) was born in 1590 in a small Yorkshire farming community in Austerfield, England. Sadly for Bradford, both of his parents would die during his younger years. Now, I would rather not bore you, nor depress you anymore than I have so lets move on shall we?

You had to ask eh? Fine ill (ill or I'll?) tell you how they got here. Simple answer “the mayflower.” (Proper nouns should always be capitalized.) Good answer, (Good answer is not really needed but if you should keep it, it would be a sentence all on it's own. "They" would begin a new sentence.) they left on a ship called the mayflower. (Again, proper noun is used but not capitalized.) Setting out for all of there freedoms in a distant land. It has taken them months to plan this.

Months to get this to work, Months of collecting every morsel of food and clean water. It has all boiled down to this. One well organized, well thought out plan to leave England. When it worked and they were finally out England, they had more to face in America. (Whole paragraph needs to be restructured.)

In America the pilgrims faced every terrible thing possible. Icy cold winters, starvation, and on top of all, disease. Really the fact that half of the pilgrims went out searching for any riches they could, instead of searching for basic supplies didn’t help at all. The time they wasted on looking for gold instead of food, water, and wood are the reason most of them died.

The supplies I listed could have been used for nice warm meals, and more importantly, a nice home. It was the greed of these men that killed the pilgrims. Luckily though, the Indians would come before the next winter.

The Indians played a large role in the survival of the pilgrims. They taught vital skills to help them. Skills like hunting and planting there own food, later the pilgrims and the Indians would share the first thanksgiving together. There thanksgiving was much simpler than the thanksgiving we know today.

There (<-- spelled incorrectly.) thanksgiving was peaceful and simple. Something I wish would return to thanksgiving.

(If I were to grade this project now you wouldn't pass. Thankfully it is only a rough draft and I know you will perfect it with no problem.)

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